My husband just told me he cannot look at me without being angry. No, I didn’t cheat, nothing like that. He’s upset because he has been trying to get me to find a part-time night job. I’m a stay at home mom now and I work Sundays at a photo studio. He works crazy hours and now things are slowing down to the point where I can get a job that starts at 5pm. But he has been pressuring me to work since August. Even though he was working 15+ hour days before and we cannot afford daycare.
I’ve had a hard time the past 4 months with trying to get approved for gastric bypass surgery, being a good mom, and helping out my best friend who attempted suicide in September. She is just now stabilized, I was going crazy taking her to appointments and spending nights in the hospital next to her. It was a lot and I’m sure I was running on adrenaline for quite awhile.
This whole thing with my friend has put a huge emotional drain on me. I love her so much and everything I did was because I love her and WANTED to help. I still want to help.
Now here I am, going to sleep on the couch. Confused and lost.
It’s funny how much the little things we discover become who we are. It’s one of the things that scares me the most about life. I wish there was a way to control our own outcome, but really it’s the things we stumble upon that end up defining us.
I stumbled upon my best friend. I stumbled upon the right man to spend my life with… Don’t get me wrong when things are stumbled upon it doesn’t make it easy, to keep up with life you need to keep up with these things. I work constantly on my marriage and my friendships.
My favorite movie is “Almost Famous”. I caught this movie on TV when I was in high school, I’ve since built my life and get inspiration from this movie. If I ever loose myself I can always watch it and snap back.
My favorite band, The White Stripes. Again I just found them I had the TV on at the right moment. I didn’t watch TV much when I was in high school but I would during mornings at my dad’s while waiting for him to wake up. In one day I discovered “The White Stripes” and “The Strokes”. I was known for my love of these bands in high school. This music was what defined me to others, people that didn’t know me knew me as “The Strokes girl” sounds naughty, but this is true. I promise nothing dirty attached, I was a good girl. For the most part…
Late one night I was awake at my grandmother house, unable to sleep. I was flicking through the channels and stumbled upon the movie “Motel Hell”. Genius! I have been in love with cheesy horror movies ever since, I have quite the collection and I truly enjoy watching them. Over and over! I have yet to find someone who enjoys them as well, I do know of a few friends of mine who do to an extent… Then I say I liked “Human Centipede” and they look at me nuts. I cannot shut up so I just think… Fuck it! “I’ve seen it 3 times”. I may have lost some respect, BUT do whatever you want. What’s the since in faking it, with anything!? Life is living and you are not living unless you are being honest with yourself.
I am unhealthy obsessed with Jack White. I will end on that.
Am I the girl in the corner
Or the girl up front
Do you see me
Or do you just feel my touch
Sometimes I am hit with this feeling that people only want to be with me for what I can give. I don’t have money but I am an extremely caring and loving person. I give so much of myself to others. Little things I’ve done to try and find myself have led to others finding themselves. I get excited and happy for them then I am left to do it all over again. I am sick of feeling like I was put on this earth for everyone but myself. Only I can change this…
My son is the only reason I have to get up in the morning lately. I’m emotionally exhausted. Physically I am in horrible shape and the medications I’m on for PCOS make me sick. PCOS is a horrible syndrome or disease, whatever it’s being called now days. I’ve been having cramping all over my body, horrible back pains, fuzzy vision, and my memory stinks. I’ve been trying to find a job (in my career field) since moving here. It’s been almost five years. I’ve worked as a CNA, barista, and photographer. Trying to make my way into the entertainment business here is harder than I thought, even with my Bachelor degree in Entertainment Business and experience from Los Angeles. I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong but my only success is being a mother. As a wife I am failing… He is so disappointed by my inability to get a paying job to help with the bills. I do work the weekends as much as I can. I pick up shifts photographing, which I absolutely love, but working for $9/hr when I have about $90,000 in student loan debt is depressing in itself.
My motivation is depleting
Since of self is gone
I’m so tied inside
My outside has become as sad
On Sundays my ” best girlfriend” and I have made a tradition these last three weeks. We get together and watch our favorite show, GIRLS, on HBO and eat what we call yumms. To others yumms are called muddy buddies or puppy chow. We make this delicious treat and sit on the couch cuddling and for a while it feels like old times. It feels like before her accident and before she couldn’t swallow. It feels like before her yumms were just being chewed and spit into her “spit cup”. Her spit cup which she cannot go anywhere without is actually my big mug from the maternity ward when I delivered my son.
I feel sad tonight as she’s very bluntly, like everything she says, told me she won’t watch GIRLS. This season is not what she expected and it is so different from the other seasons, which she watches over and over again. I myself like the new season, I enjoy the darkness of it and that they are building upon what the characters are going through. I wish she would keep watching with me… I like this little tradition we’ve built.
She just likes being with me. I will enjoy the same and maybe I’ll introduce her to Seinfeld…
On August 13, 2013 something happened. This event changed my life. For better or worse I am not sure yet. My best friend attempted suicide. I still remember getting the phone call at midnight. Dropping to the floor and the shock that seemed to stop my heart. I didn’t know if she was going to be ok, I spent most of the night on the floor of my bathroom. I was out of my Kolonopin, I couldn’t find my breath and my mind was racing. Pleading with CVS to fill a few pills for me until they could release my prescription from another store (I just moved). They couldn’t release any pills to me until morning. I’m sure I sounded like a druggie, but when you feel like that and are going through thinking you may loose someone none of that matters.
I have a history or major depression and anxiety, I need pills to function. This doesn’t make me a drug addict, they are all prescribed and I attend therapy regularly.
I’m writing through this experience. It’s the best kind of therapy. I write through all the surgeries, procedures, disagreements with her, and about our undying love. She is a big part of my world and I refuse to leave her side. No matter how stubborn she is or what the future brings. I am keeping her info as anonymous as I can. As I feel comfortable I will release details. But I will release my writings in the meantime.
Some things I write May be fuzzy or unclear, I cannot promise complete control as I have been having emotional difficulties. These sometimes cause me to go through extreme lows and highs. I’m fighting and I’ll be ok. I’m stronger than you know…
I am not a religious person. I believe in the spirit. Whether human or animal.
How many ways can a heart be split? Are there an infinite number of people who can have your love and affection? Maybe this is a constant race, trying to keep up with love. I feel true love should be effortless. Like breathing, sometimes breathing is difficult, the more you take on the harder it can be to catch your breath. I would never give up breathing. I would die.
Without love my heart would die, the ache would kill me and leave my soul alone and empty. Isn’t the soul the most important part of any person?
I believe animals have souls as well. I can see in their eyes the pure love. Love that is not so thought out, planned, or forced. It is there or it is not. The most relatable example of this would probably be in a dog, I hear about the majesty of an elephants soul as well. These animals don’t assume we are any different then them. They don’t do things in awareness of their soul.
Think of love when you look into an animals eyes and feel the energy between the two of you. We are both so different but it’s our souls that connect us.
When there is nothing else left to feel and I have no more room to give. I cleanse by writing and letting it all pour out. I believe with my whole heart in honesty. I am never more honest than when I write.
Like storms shocking my mind and blackening my core
Freedom fights for me so feel free
Freedom fights for my life
I’m my own battle
no matter what I say I’m fighting myself
Falling down the stairs
Wiping away the years
Swallowing swallowing all the pills so the pain I can’t feel
pain is not falling
Pain is always calling home