After constant head circling anxiety I called my therapist today to explain what’s been going on. Or what happened while my mother came to “help” that is.
I had RNY Gastric Bypass on March 6, 2014. I have not been obese my whole life, I don’t eat more or different than any average sized woman. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 20. This was after gaining about 80lbs in a few months, I just blew up. With that came so much mental anguish. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I was foggy and I thought of myself as the funny fat girl, nothing special, not really. I used to be the pretty, funny, and talented girl. I didn’t know it or appreciate it then. The self confidence was natural and I strive to get that back every day. When I grasp it I fear it will slip from my fingers again.
I tried weight management programs, medication, exercise, acupuncture, therapy. I had very minimal results… maybe lose 5lbs than I have a week where I don’t exercise and it’s all back, then some.
I made the choice for myself and my sanity to go for weight loss surgery it took me about 8 months total to fill the qualifications and get insurance approval. I was on the lowest end of the obesity spectrum (where they consider surgery an option). It took a lot of work and now that I am about 6ish weeks out from surgery I am confident I made the right decision. I am down 20 lbs and ready to go outside and walk with my son. Damn it’s so cold outside still though.
I had a small complication, probably from the catheter, a kidney infection. I was taken by ambulance to the ER where I was fixed up. It took a few days but I got better. This scare got the surgery news out in the open on my side of the family. My mom was contacted without my permission and she booked a ticket here to “help” me.
I was abandoned by my mother three days before she was supposed to go home. It’s hard to explain. She is so controlling and will not hear anything I have to say she just completely shuts me out. I am nothing but a burden. I bring no happiness to her.
I attempted to contact her through text the night after she packed up and went to where I am guessing was my aunts house. No response. The morning of her flights departure I received a text “Best wishes. I wish you well.”
I have not heard from her since. To answer the question on your mind. Yes, she knew about the surgery and she was supportive. She was nervous but supportive. She was unable to be here when I had it done, as she put it “you had the surgery when it was not a good time for me, you know that.” She was very busy with her work. She owns a business in another country.
My therapist helped to put my mind at ease. I was given crappy parents. You cannot choose your parents. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I am blessed with. I love my dad to death, honestly. But he’s a whole other story.
I cannot find a home without you
I don’t have time to cry or the energy to cope
I find things rough right now
Hard to hold onto reality
Sick of eyes I don’t want to see what’s happening
I wait for peace and I dig through my mind
Digging and digging in my mind
I have been working on getting RNY gastric bypass since July! It’s been a process to say the least. The biggest hurdles were the psychiatric clearance and the insurance approval!
I haven’t had weight issues all my life. It started when I was 17 and the pounds just packed on by the time I was 19 I was over 200 lbs. I was terrified and sick all the time. I had many people, mostly family, with their opinions. I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance at the age of 20. I was put on Metformin and birth control. This helped me but also has made me so frustrated. I cannot live without these medications. In addition I have had to fight severe depression and anxiety.
I am beyond excited to have this new tool to help me with my health goal. I can get of Metformin which takes a toll on my body and I can feel better. Don’t judge people by their weight, it’s extremely hard to battle a disease that causes weight gain. I would workout for 2 hours a day with little result. Cut ALL sugar with no result. I’ve been to the Mayo Clinic for help and they have done all they can do… there is only so much that can be done with PCOS.
CHANGE IS COMING
Am I in love with a shadow? Have I been chasing myself, when I’ve been here all along?
My husband just told me he cannot look at me without being angry. No, I didn’t cheat, nothing like that. He’s upset because he has been trying to get me to find a part-time night job. I’m a stay at home mom now and I work Sundays at a photo studio. He works crazy hours and now things are slowing down to the point where I can get a job that starts at 5pm. But he has been pressuring me to work since August. Even though he was working 15+ hour days before and we cannot afford daycare.
I’ve had a hard time the past 4 months with trying to get approved for gastric bypass surgery, being a good mom, and helping out my best friend who attempted suicide in September. She is just now stabilized, I was going crazy taking her to appointments and spending nights in the hospital next to her. It was a lot and I’m sure I was running on adrenaline for quite awhile.
This whole thing with my friend has put a huge emotional drain on me. I love her so much and everything I did was because I love her and WANTED to help. I still want to help.
Now here I am, going to sleep on the couch. Confused and lost.
My son is the only reason I have to get up in the morning lately. I’m emotionally exhausted. Physically I am in horrible shape and the medications I’m on for PCOS make me sick. PCOS is a horrible syndrome or disease, whatever it’s being called now days. I’ve been having cramping all over my body, horrible back pains, fuzzy vision, and my memory stinks. I’ve been trying to find a job (in my career field) since moving here. It’s been almost five years. I’ve worked as a CNA, barista, and photographer. Trying to make my way into the entertainment business here is harder than I thought, even with my Bachelor degree in Entertainment Business and experience from Los Angeles. I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong but my only success is being a mother. As a wife I am failing… He is so disappointed by my inability to get a paying job to help with the bills. I do work the weekends as much as I can. I pick up shifts photographing, which I absolutely love, but working for $9/hr when I have about $90,000 in student loan debt is depressing in itself.
My motivation is depleting
Since of self is gone
I’m so tied inside
My outside has become as sad
On August 13, 2013 something happened. This event changed my life. For better or worse I am not sure yet. My best friend attempted suicide. I still remember getting the phone call at midnight. Dropping to the floor and the shock that seemed to stop my heart. I didn’t know if she was going to be ok, I spent most of the night on the floor of my bathroom. I was out of my Kolonopin, I couldn’t find my breath and my mind was racing. Pleading with CVS to fill a few pills for me until they could release my prescription from another store (I just moved). They couldn’t release any pills to me until morning. I’m sure I sounded like a druggie, but when you feel like that and are going through thinking you may loose someone none of that matters.
I have a history or major depression and anxiety, I need pills to function. This doesn’t make me a drug addict, they are all prescribed and I attend therapy regularly.
I’m writing through this experience. It’s the best kind of therapy. I write through all the surgeries, procedures, disagreements with her, and about our undying love. She is a big part of my world and I refuse to leave her side. No matter how stubborn she is or what the future brings. I am keeping her info as anonymous as I can. As I feel comfortable I will release details. But I will release my writings in the meantime.
Some things I write May be fuzzy or unclear, I cannot promise complete control as I have been having emotional difficulties. These sometimes cause me to go through extreme lows and highs. I’m fighting and I’ll be ok. I’m stronger than you know…
2011 was a rough year. I remember the good things, it’s the bad things that are a blur. It was like walking through a thick fog but there were spots along the way where my eyes could see and my soul could breath. These are the places where my husband stood, my best friend stood, my mother stood, my grandmother stood, my father stood. Those places where mostly lit up by their presence. But walking between was filled with tears and struggle like a lost child in the woods.
Sometimes I cry just to see if I still can. I try and imagine the world without him. I cannot see but I can breath. It feels like everything in my reach is a tease. Filled with dos and don’ts.