I cannot find a home without you
I don’t have time to cry or the energy to cope
I find things rough right now
Hard to hold onto reality
Sick of eyes I don’t want to see what’s happening
I wait for peace and I dig through my mind
Digging and digging in my mind
It’s funny how much the little things we discover become who we are. It’s one of the things that scares me the most about life. I wish there was a way to control our own outcome, but really it’s the things we stumble upon that end up defining us.
I stumbled upon my best friend. I stumbled upon the right man to spend my life with… Don’t get me wrong when things are stumbled upon it doesn’t make it easy, to keep up with life you need to keep up with these things. I work constantly on my marriage and my friendships.
My favorite movie is “Almost Famous”. I caught this movie on TV when I was in high school, I’ve since built my life and get inspiration from this movie. If I ever loose myself I can always watch it and snap back.
My favorite band, The White Stripes. Again I just found them I had the TV on at the right moment. I didn’t watch TV much when I was in high school but I would during mornings at my dad’s while waiting for him to wake up. In one day I discovered “The White Stripes” and “The Strokes”. I was known for my love of these bands in high school. This music was what defined me to others, people that didn’t know me knew me as “The Strokes girl” sounds naughty, but this is true. I promise nothing dirty attached, I was a good girl. For the most part…
Late one night I was awake at my grandmother house, unable to sleep. I was flicking through the channels and stumbled upon the movie “Motel Hell”. Genius! I have been in love with cheesy horror movies ever since, I have quite the collection and I truly enjoy watching them. Over and over! I have yet to find someone who enjoys them as well, I do know of a few friends of mine who do to an extent… Then I say I liked “Human Centipede” and they look at me nuts. I cannot shut up so I just think… Fuck it! “I’ve seen it 3 times”. I may have lost some respect, BUT do whatever you want. What’s the since in faking it, with anything!? Life is living and you are not living unless you are being honest with yourself.
I am unhealthy obsessed with Jack White. I will end on that.
Am I the girl in the corner
Or the girl up front
Do you see me
Or do you just feel my touch
Sometimes I am hit with this feeling that people only want to be with me for what I can give. I don’t have money but I am an extremely caring and loving person. I give so much of myself to others. Little things I’ve done to try and find myself have led to others finding themselves. I get excited and happy for them then I am left to do it all over again. I am sick of feeling like I was put on this earth for everyone but myself. Only I can change this…
My son is the only reason I have to get up in the morning lately. I’m emotionally exhausted. Physically I am in horrible shape and the medications I’m on for PCOS make me sick. PCOS is a horrible syndrome or disease, whatever it’s being called now days. I’ve been having cramping all over my body, horrible back pains, fuzzy vision, and my memory stinks. I’ve been trying to find a job (in my career field) since moving here. It’s been almost five years. I’ve worked as a CNA, barista, and photographer. Trying to make my way into the entertainment business here is harder than I thought, even with my Bachelor degree in Entertainment Business and experience from Los Angeles. I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong but my only success is being a mother. As a wife I am failing… He is so disappointed by my inability to get a paying job to help with the bills. I do work the weekends as much as I can. I pick up shifts photographing, which I absolutely love, but working for $9/hr when I have about $90,000 in student loan debt is depressing in itself.
My motivation is depleting
Since of self is gone
I’m so tied inside
My outside has become as sad
Falling down the stairs
Wiping away the years
Swallowing swallowing all the pills so the pain I can’t feel
pain is not falling
Pain is always calling home
2011 was a rough year. I remember the good things, it’s the bad things that are a blur. It was like walking through a thick fog but there were spots along the way where my eyes could see and my soul could breath. These are the places where my husband stood, my best friend stood, my mother stood, my grandmother stood, my father stood. Those places where mostly lit up by their presence. But walking between was filled with tears and struggle like a lost child in the woods.
Sometimes I cry just to see if I still can. I try and imagine the world without him. I cannot see but I can breath. It feels like everything in my reach is a tease. Filled with dos and don’ts.