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After constant head circling anxiety I called my therapist today to explain what’s been going on. Or what happened while my mother came to “help” that is.

I had RNY Gastric Bypass on March 6, 2014. I have not been obese my whole life, I don’t eat more or different than any average sized woman. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 20. This was after gaining about 80lbs in a few months, I just blew up. With that came so much mental anguish. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I was foggy and I thought of myself as the funny fat girl, nothing special, not really. I used to be the pretty, funny, and talented girl. I didn’t know it or appreciate it then. The self confidence was natural and I strive to get that back every day. When I grasp it I fear it will slip from my fingers again.

I tried weight management programs, medication, exercise, acupuncture, therapy. I had very minimal results… maybe lose 5lbs than I have a week where I don’t exercise and it’s all back, then some.

I made the choice for myself and my sanity to go for weight loss surgery it took me about 8 months total to fill the qualifications and get insurance approval. I was on the lowest end of the obesity spectrum (where they consider surgery an option). It took a lot of work and now that I am about 6ish weeks out from surgery I am confident I made the right decision. I am down 20 lbs and ready to go outside and walk with my son. Damn it’s so cold outside still though.

I had a small complication, probably from the catheter, a kidney infection. I was taken by ambulance to the ER where I was fixed up. It took a few days but I got better. This scare got the surgery news out in the open on my side of the family. My mom was contacted without my permission and she booked a ticket here to “help” me.

I was abandoned by my mother three days before she was supposed to go home. It’s hard to explain. She is so controlling and will not hear anything I have to say she just completely shuts me out. I am nothing but a burden. I bring no happiness to her.

I attempted to contact her through text the night after she packed up and went to where I am guessing was my aunts house. No response. The morning of her flights departure I received a text “Best wishes. I wish you well.”

I have not heard from her since. To answer the question on your mind. Yes, she knew about the surgery and she was supportive. She was nervous but supportive. She was unable to be here when I had it done, as she put it “you had the surgery when it was not a good time for me, you know that.” She was very busy with her work. She owns a business in another country.

My therapist helped to put my mind at ease. I was given crappy parents. You cannot choose your parents. I am grateful for all the wonderful people I am blessed with. I love my dad to death, honestly. But he’s a whole other story.

My husband.

I am in love with my husband. We have been married almost 4 years. Together 10 years, we are high school sweethearts. There are hard times. Times you want to run away and times you wonder how you can stay with one person your whole life… But there is this very REAL love and that can get us through all. Holding his hand is connecting to my other self.



I cannot find a home without you
I don’t have time to cry or the energy to cope
I find things rough right now
Hard to hold onto reality
Sick of eyes I don’t want to see what’s happening
I wait for peace and I dig through my mind
Digging and digging in my mind



Anger is a beast that must be fought with love. The only resolution to this problem is understanding and patience. Or death.



Life is a constant obstacle course. You work so hard to get to the top, the view is great and the air is fresh. But you must get down and face your obligation to move forward. And so the journey continues.

I had my surgery. RNY Gastric Bypass on the 6th. It was most definitely a brave and amazing choice to make for myself. I am doing fantastic with the help of my amazing husband and the love that just beams off of my son into my heart. I am walking this path, too weak for an obstacle course yet ;).

Feeling I need my mother and I am trying to convince her to come and help me on the journey. She lives in Costa Rica so it’s quite the trip as I live in the northern US. Wrote her an email tonight we will see if she has time to come.




Please respect your body enough to care for it. I know someone from high school who lost their life to Heroin recently. I just found out the circumstances and there must be something really bad going around New York right now. It is just not worth it people! I’m heartbroken that things ended this way.


Surgery is Approved!

I have been working on getting RNY gastric bypass since July! It’s been a process to say the least. The biggest hurdles were the psychiatric clearance and the insurance approval!

I haven’t had weight issues all my life. It started when I was 17 and the pounds just packed on by the time I was 19 I was over 200 lbs. I was terrified and sick all the time. I had many people, mostly family, with their opinions. I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance at the age of 20. I was put on Metformin and birth control. This helped me but also has made me so frustrated. I cannot live without these medications. In addition I have had to fight severe depression and anxiety.

I am beyond excited to have this new tool to help me with my health goal. I can get of Metformin which takes a toll on my body and I can feel better. Don’t judge people by their weight, it’s extremely hard to battle a disease that causes weight gain. I would workout for 2 hours a day with little result. Cut ALL sugar with no result. I’ve been to the Mayo Clinic for help and they have done all they can do… there is only so much that can be done with PCOS.



Lyrics From A Broken Daughter.





Am I in love with a shadow? Have I been chasing myself, when I’ve been here all along?