Am I?

Am I the girl in the corner
Or the girl up front
Do you see me
Or do you just feel my touch

Sometimes I am hit with this feeling that people only want to be with me for what I can give. I don’t have money but I am an extremely caring and loving person. I give so much of myself to others. Little things I’ve done to try and find myself have led to others finding themselves. I get excited and happy for them then I am left to do it all over again. I am sick of feeling like I was put on this earth for everyone but myself. Only I can change this…

Worthless.

My son is the only reason I have to get up in the morning lately. I’m emotionally exhausted. Physically I am in horrible shape and the medications I’m on for PCOS make me sick. PCOS is a horrible syndrome or disease, whatever it’s being called now days. I’ve been having cramping all over my body, horrible back pains, fuzzy vision, and my memory stinks. I’ve been trying to find a job (in my career field) since moving here. It’s been almost five years. I’ve worked as a CNA, barista, and photographer. Trying to make my way into the entertainment business here is harder than I thought, even with my Bachelor degree in Entertainment Business and experience from Los Angeles. I don’t know what I’ve been doing wrong but my only success is being a mother. As a wife I am failing… He is so disappointed by my inability to get a paying job to help with the bills. I do work the weekends as much as I can. I pick up shifts photographing, which I absolutely love, but working for $9/hr when I have about $90,000 in student loan debt is depressing in itself.

My motivation is depleting
Since of self is gone
I’m so tied inside
My outside has become as sad

Sunday night is GIRLS night.

On Sundays my ” best girlfriend” and I have made a tradition these last three weeks. We get together and watch our favorite show, GIRLS, on HBO and eat what we call yumms. To others yumms are called muddy buddies or puppy chow. We make this delicious treat and sit on the couch cuddling and for a while it feels like old times. It feels like before her accident and before she couldn’t swallow. It feels like before her yumms were just being chewed and spit into her “spit cup”. Her spit cup which she cannot go anywhere without is actually my big mug from the maternity ward when I delivered my son.

I feel sad tonight as she’s very bluntly, like everything she says, told me she won’t watch GIRLS. This season is not what she expected and it is so different from the other seasons, which she watches over and over again. I myself like the new season, I enjoy the darkness of it and that they are building upon what the characters are going through. I wish she would keep watching with me… I like this little tradition we’ve built.

She just likes being with me. I will enjoy the same and maybe I’ll introduce her to Seinfeld…

Here’s the thing.

On August 13, 2013 something happened. This event changed my life. For better or worse I am not sure yet. My best friend attempted suicide. I still remember getting the phone call at midnight. Dropping to the floor and the shock that seemed to stop my heart. I didn’t know if she was going to be ok, I spent most of the night on the floor of my bathroom. I was out of my Kolonopin, I couldn’t find my breath and my mind was racing. Pleading with CVS to fill a few pills for me until they could release my prescription from another store (I just moved). They couldn’t release any pills to me until morning. I’m sure I sounded like a druggie, but when you feel like that and are going through thinking you may loose someone none of that matters.

I have a history or major depression and anxiety, I need pills to function. This doesn’t make me a drug addict, they are all prescribed and I attend therapy regularly.

I’m writing through this experience. It’s the best kind of therapy. I write through all the surgeries, procedures, disagreements with her, and about our undying love. She is a big part of my world and I refuse to leave her side. No matter how stubborn she is or what the future brings. I am keeping her info as anonymous as I can. As I feel comfortable I will release details. But I will release my writings in the meantime.

Some things I write May be fuzzy or unclear, I cannot promise complete control as I have been having emotional difficulties. These sometimes cause me to go through extreme lows and highs. I’m fighting and I’ll be ok. I’m stronger than you know…

Thoughts of the soul.

I am not a religious person. I believe in the spirit. Whether human or animal.

How many ways can a heart be split? Are there an infinite number of people who can have your love and affection? Maybe this is a constant race, trying to keep up with love. I feel true love should be effortless. Like breathing, sometimes breathing is difficult, the more you take on the harder it can be to catch your breath. I would never give up breathing. I would die.
Without love my heart would die, the ache would kill me and leave my soul alone and empty. Isn’t the soul the most important part of any person?

I believe animals have souls as well. I can see in their eyes the pure love. Love that is not so thought out, planned, or forced. It is there or it is not. The most relatable example of this would probably be in a dog, I hear about the majesty of an elephants soul as well. These animals don’t assume we are any different then them. They don’t do things in awareness of their soul.
Think of love when you look into an animals eyes and feel the energy between the two of you. We are both so different but it’s our souls that connect us.

Welcome

When there is nothing else left to feel and I have no more room to give. I cleanse by writing and letting it all pour out. I believe with my whole heart in honesty. I am never more honest than when I write.

Battle inside.

Like storms shocking my mind and blackening my core
Freedom fights for me so feel free
Freedom fights for my life
I’m my own battle
no matter what I say I’m fighting myself

Falling falling.

Falling falling
Falling down the stairs

Crying crying
Wiping away the years

Swallowing swallowing all the pills so the pain I can’t feel
pain is not falling
Pain is always calling home

Lyrics. Song in progress.

I wish I was comfortable in my own skin

I wish I could do it all over again.

Come here lovely stand next to me we have got a place to be.

Stand up straight got mad style haven’t felt this way in quite a while.

Our bodies pulse with the beat of the night.

2011 a horror story.

2011 was a rough year. I remember the good things, it’s the bad things that are a blur. It was like walking through a thick fog but there were spots along the way where my eyes could see and my soul could breath. These are the places where my husband stood, my best friend stood, my mother stood, my grandmother stood, my father stood. Those places where mostly lit up by their presence. But walking between was filled with tears and struggle like a lost child in the woods.